Sorry that I’ve been away for so long. It’s hard to remain upbeat all of time especially when things don’t go as planned no matter how hard you try. Well, my blood sugar has really been riding a glu-coaster these past couple of weeks and I felt a little down.I felt like a complete failure.
I love the DOC because I began reading other blogs about people who are going through the same difficulties. Karen @ bitter~sweet diabetes wrote that “not trying is not an option”. I think that statement helped me through this time unlike anything else. Then I started googling motivational quotes and came across things like – “You haven’t failed until you stopped trying.”
I have a vivid imagination at times and pictured a boxing match between diabetes and myself. Now diabetes is big and tough while I’m skinny and weak, so diabetes has the advantage. Diabetes keeps knocking me down and I would get up, I’ll get knocked down again and get right back up. Now someone in the crowd (I picture this to be that mean little voice in your head that never believes in you) shouts “Just stay down!” and I shout back “No I will never give up!” My little story ends with Diabetes getting tired from always knocking me down and one random blow knocks him out. Yeaaa…. I am the winner.
This is how I have dealt with my bad days. What do you do when you are feeling frustrated?
My Endo - Dr. G
It’s amazing how the moment that I was so terrified of, became a moment of joy and hope. I basically spent the last couple of days worrying about going to the Endocrinologist on Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot when it comes to anything BUT my diabetes management. Yesterday, I got a call from his office that ended with my appointment being rescheduled for today…Three days early! WHAT!!!!
So there I was sitting nervously in the doctor’s office, waiting for him to say those awful, dreaded words:”Let’s take a look at your numbers” My horrible numbers that were all over the place. I began to ask myself, “Will he see how hard I am trying and the fact that I wrote everything down? What if he only focuses on the negatives… Will I lose my chance of ever getting the pump?”
With sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat, I watched as he went through my log and began writing notes on a piece of paper. He then turned and looked at me, showed me the numbers I had written and asked, “What do you see? ” Umm… “I see
(horrible numbers… the lost chance of you prescribing a pump… my life flashing before my eyes…) high numbers?” I answered and held my breath. He explained that I was getting rebound hypers (high readings) from all of my hypos (the low ones) and that if I got rid of the hypos, the hypers should go as well.
- There was no ‘What are you doing wrong?’ No blame or hurt. Instead he said that he was impressed… He told my mom that I was maturing. He believes in me. I felt like I had won the lottery! Amazingly, although I was already self-motivated from before this visit to finally gain control of my diabetes. Now, I feel on fire and I know I can do it! I got the validation I needed that all the hard work I have done so far is actually showing. I guess the funny thing about hope is that you can find it where you least expect it.
Sometimes my blood sugar does not seem to want to co-operate with me. I have an appointment with the Endo in less than a week (well actually in six days but who’s counting) and I was hoping to be able to proudly show my log book with perfect glucose numbers in it and he would then say, “Well Steph, I think you’re ready for the pump!”
Apparently, Big D missed the game plan! My goal was to have my
bloodsugars under 7 mmol/L. Which was going pretty well until this week. Now however, my meter would blatantly show you 12s, 15s and even 20s. Seriously? What happened to all of my pretty 5.2s and 6.6s?
Hmm… Maybe I am stressing a bit (which would explain the high readings). Hmm… I know… I’ll call in sick. – Eh, Doc I can’t make it on Tuesday… I’m under stress caused by having to come in for a visit. – I don’t know about you but I don’t think that will work -_-
My diabetes must really hate going to the doctor lol.
The years following my diabetes diagnosis I could have been nominated as the poster child of the “perfect” type 1 diabetic. I kept my appointments, tested frequently, logged my numbers, rode my bike every evening, etc, etc…
Since this post is about getting back onto the wagon, when I say that the perfect diabetic fell off I mean HARD…. with the wagon veering out of control since no one was guiding it. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be one of the cool kids who sat on the benches laughing over snow-cones (with sweetened condensed milk) and (fried cod) fishcakes instead of the girl who had to stick herself and got to cut in line because she was “special.” I know most of my friends probably accepted me as I was but I was young and insecure.
So I cheated and skipped testing so that I would not have to explain a high or “HI” blood sugar. I rearranged my numbers, for example, instead of writing 9.4mmol/L I would write 4.9mmol/L. Man I’ll tell you that wagon was definitely O.U.T O.F. C.O.N.T.R.O.L and I oblivious to the damage I was doing until I started getting sick , at this point I would try to do the right thing. I guess you could say that sometimes it worked and I stayed out of hospital and other times… well let’s just say that I have been in hospital more times than I’d like to remember.
There were times I found myself running after the wagon, barely getting a grip on it when a bump in the road would cause it to slip out of my hands again. I was doing all that I could. I wanted to be better and I was trying. Those road bumps included anything from getting periods to studying (both schoolwork and boys) to those days when you have no idea why it is high but it is. Then there would the ride of shame (on the hospital gurney) when I got admitted to hospital where the nurses and doctors would ask, “What you eat now?” or state “You got to be doing something wrong!” but I really wasn’t. I was being really good but puberty meant my body changing and I understood neither my body or the doctors’ answers to my questions. That wagon was on its own again. I just stood and watched it go.
After years of running after it and getting dragged for a ride I got Fed Up! I mean seriously pissed off! So bloodied and bruised I began searching for a solution. I began my search for the answers which included things like the insulin-to-carb ratio and calculating correction doses. I am more aware of what I eat and its effect on my blood sugar and I am exercising again. I think I have finally gotten back onto the wagon. However, this is not the end of my journey but rather the beginning, now that I have gotten on again my new goal is to steer my wagon back home to an A1c of under 7%.
With you guys by my side I know I can do it! If you have fallen off of your wagon then I encourage you not to give up either and get back on – We will get healthy together!