A Funny Thing Called Hope

My Endo - Dr. G

It’s amazing how the moment that I was so terrified of, became a moment of joy and hope. I basically spent the last couple of days worrying about going to the Endocrinologist on Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot when it comes to anything BUT my diabetes management. Yesterday, I got a call from his office that ended with my appointment being rescheduled for today…Three days early! WHAT!!!!

So there I was sitting nervously in the doctor’s office, waiting for him to say those awful, dreaded words:”Let’s take a look at your numbers” My horrible numbers that were all over the place. I began to ask myself, “Will he see how hard I am trying and the fact that I wrote everything down? What if he only focuses on the negatives… Will I lose my chance of ever getting the pump?”

With sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat, I watched as he went through my log and began writing notes on a piece of paper. He then turned and looked at me, showed me the numbers I had written and asked, “What do you see? ” Umm… “I see (horrible numbers… the lost chance of you prescribing a pump… my life flashing before my eyes…) high numbers?” I answered and held my breath. He explained that I was getting rebound hypers (high readings) from all of my hypos (the low ones) and that if I got rid of the hypos, the hypers should go as well.

There was no ‘What are you doing wrong?’ No blame or hurt. Instead he said that¬† he was impressed… He told my mom that I was maturing. He believes in me. I felt like I had won the lottery! Amazingly, although I was already self-motivated from before this visit to finally gain control of my diabetes. Now, I feel on fire and I know I can do it! I got the validation I needed that all the hard work I have done so far is actually showing. I guess the funny thing about hope is that you can find it where you least expect it.
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Why I’m Crying

Heartbreak is a hard thing for anyone to deal with but when you are diabetic it can seem ten times worse. However, you can’t stop everything you are doing, eat a ton and sulk like you see in the movies. Your diabetes needs to be managed and you have to do it unless you want to add DKA to your pity party. Stress, in any shape or form, tends to raise my blood sugar levels higher than the Empire State building (or Central Bank for all my Bajans) and thats no joke, especially when you are trying to lower your a1c.

So today when the guy that I wasn’t sure I still liked, reminded me he was leaving and moving over 4000 miles away – I felt sad. I was heartbroken. Why is it that it is only when something is gone that you realize how much you really do miss it. It is like growing up before my diagnosis, I never liked anything sweet but after I would gaze longingly at my friends sno-cones and the snack table at the end of each school year filled with sodas, cakes and ice-cream. When I could have them before, they were never that appealing and the same is true with this guy… kind of.

So here I am with a tear-stained face wondering why am I crying. Is it because he is leaving…. (Seems like an awful lot of tears over a guy that I’m not sure I still like that much if you asked me)¬† or is it because my blood sugar is a bit high? (I tend to get overemotional with high blood sugars, either really angry or really sad.) Whatever the reason for my tears, I now have to focus on bringing down this high reading. An extra shot of insulin, a bottle of water and a comedy (laughter is always the best medicine at times like this). Hopefully, today won’t undo my whole week.

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